Part 4 of the 10 part series: Leader-friendly gardening practices to end bullying.

In the next six posts, I will use the format below of listing the practice, desired outcome, and then the discussion. So let’s get started.

Be nonjudgmental – Forcing your opinions or personal values on others is toxic to the growth of your Leadership Garden. Being nonjudgmental connects you to your love and appreciation for others.

Desired outcome: Inclusion 

In Part 1, I discussed the need for social change to help end bullying and it begins with adults. In Part 2, I made an appeal for adults to step up to end bullying, and in Part 3, I discussed how adults can empower children to take the lead on this issue.

Today we begin with leader-friendly gardening - Practice One. I will spend a little more time on this practice because it is the necessary ground work for all the other practices.

But before I go there, I want to clarify something. In Part 2, I titled my post Adults “should” step up to end bullying.

Ahhh . . . the infamous “should.”

If you are anything like me, I hate being told what I SHOULD do, especially when I know I should be doing it.
 
However, I was intentional about using should. Not to admonish anyone, rather focus attention on our responsibility for the well-being of our children.
 
Nurturing positive behavior is the job of all parents, grandparents, teachers, and leaders in the country. When we step up to this responsibility, we empower the future leaders of our world and address a myriad of the social issues we face today.
 
Through the lens of the CNN AC360 study and broadcasts in October,” inclusion” is an opposite goal for jockeying for status.
 
Within any group, there are those in the group and those that are not. In the group, there is a dominate leader that emerges whose personal values and opinions tend to rule. Either the other members share those values and opinions, don’t and go along, or they implicitly select a new group leader.
 
This is where the jockeying for status is ultimately jockeying for the leadership role in a group.

Also, humans by nature are social and tend to cluster in groups. According to the Wheatley study for CNN, “Aggression tended to stay within gender, racial, and grade lines.”
 
I found that interesting. One would normally think aggressive behavior is an outward thing of the group.

In some bullying studies, this group mentality and harassment of someone outside of the group, or even in the group, is called mobbing. A simpler way to say it is “group think" or "group behavior.”
 
Judgment vs. Judgmental

I also want to clarify the distinction between using good judgment and being nonjudgmental. People do need to exercise good judgment in the decisions they make and that is often missing when it comes to group think and behavior. Exercising good judgment means matching your actions to your core values, both inside and outside of a group.
 
However, it isn't just the group think/behavior it is also the group emotion. Emotions are contagious and they spread like wildflowers; sowing the seeds of hatred or compassion.

A judgment is simply forming an opinion through some sort of assessment or evaluation. Judgments are handed down all the time in a court of law. However, those judgments are matched to the laws that have been enacted, by the people, to protect people. We need this kind of governing to contain the behaviors that are harmful and hold people accountable.

A judge is required to set aside personal opinions and values to render a fair assessment of the law. Being nonjudgmental is not easy, even for judges. But by a professional code of ethics, judges agree to uphold the law and practice doing so daily.

Being judgmental is characterized by a tendency to judge harshly when there is no factual basis, reason, or law. It is simply one’s opinion based upon their personal values and opinions, and emotions. It is the forcing of those values and opinons and emotions on others that lead to bullying and hate crimes.

So with a subtle shift of the noun “judgment” to the adjective “judgmental” the dynamics of the word and actions change dramatically. Language does matter, and the meaning and emotions behind it that is put into practice (wrongly) is where the harm comes into play in bullying behavior.

Let me say it another way.
 
We are entitled to our opinions and values and feelings. We are not entitled to harm another with them.

Children are taunted for being different or sometimes simply because they won’t subscribe to the group think and go along with the crowd. No one likes to be ousted from a group or shunned, so they may go along even when they know it is wrong.

Empowering children to think on their own and understand their core values adn feelings will help them not go along with the crowd when they know something is wrong. In my book, it is personal leadership with integrity to your unique purpose and aim to do good, rather than harm.  
 
Along these lines, an interesting part of the Wheatley study, was how the students who bullied felt when they knew it was wrong.  Even if, they got away with no outer consequences by bullying, there is always an inner consequence.

This is why being nonjudgmental helps you connect to your true self, provides you inner peace, and the ability to connect well with others who differ from you.

One student, in the televised interview about the study, made a shocking statement that everyone has been bullied and bullied at one time or another. I happen to agree.
 
We are all human, and all have opinions as well as personal values. We either live up to or ignore those values, at times, in order to fit in with crowd, gain power, get our point across, or fight back when we feel wronged. 

The tendency to want to fight back or get even when you feel you are wronged is a powerful force. A force so compelling that you feel a need to call upon your group for reinforcement. This is how mobbing takes place. It is also what turns a victim of bullying into a bully themselves.

As shown on page 11 in the study, “The students at the very bottom and the kids at the very top of the school hierarchy are the least involved in aggression or victimization.” That leaves a lot of kids in the middle agressively jockeying for status.
 
The researchers data figure 8: Predicated Aggression and Victimization by Centrality was "consistent with the idea that the highest status kids are somewhat above the fray, and no longer need to be aggressive."

What would be possible, if the need for this jockeying for status "aggression" were stemmed by seeding and nurturing the leader in each child?

While thinking about this issue, I reflected upon when my behavior that could have fallen into on of the bullying categories with my family, colleagues, or friends. Rarely was it with the intent to harm, and mostly to protect and defend my ego.

Humans are very ego-centric by nature. We want to be right about who we are, what we think, and what we value. So giving up “the right” to “be right” is a jarring concept to our ego. But it does open up our mind and heart to a more loving way to lead our lives.

It’s not a pretty thought, or easy to accept, that you may have bullied others.
 
However, by owning this ego-protection aspect of our humanity, we open the door to love and acceptance of our own human frailties and faults, so we have the ability to forgive ourselves and others.
 
When we choose new “more inclusive” behaviors that align with our best self, we become a leader-friendly gardener in all of life.

Next, I will address leader-friendly gardening - Practice Two: do not enable.

In the meantime, think about a time when you may have bullied someone (even if you didn’t call it that) and how that made you feel?
 
Please share your thoughts.