Part 9 of the 10 part series: Leader-friendly gardening practices to end bullying.

Eradicate victimization – Victimization is a form of survival leadership that is pervasive in today’s society and robs you of the opportunity to be in control of, and responsible for how you experience life as a leader.

Desired outcome: Healing

In Part 1, I discussed the need for social change to help end bullying and it begins with adults. In Part 2, I made an appeal for adults to step up to end bullying, and in Part 3, I discussed how adults can empower children to take the lead on this issue.

The leader-friendly gardening practices began in Part 4 - Being nonjudgmental, Part 5 – Do not enable, Part 6 - Use empathy, Part 7 - Prune gossip, and Part 8 - Eliminate blame.

Blame and victimization often go hand in hand and can be devastating to your sense of self, life, and leadership.

Consider this - you always win the game of life you play.

While this statement sounds more sports like, than healing like, there is a great deal of truth in it; especially when it comes to how you view your life.

For example, if you believe you are a victim of everything and everyone, there is no way you won’t be a victim.  In fact, you are assured to win the victim game. This holds true whether you are truly victimized, perceive being victimized, or both.

Unfortunately, the perception of victimization is a cultural phenomenon of the highly litigious society in which we live. Everywhere you turn there is someone suing someone for something (wrongly or rightly) or blaming others for how their life is going.

This widespread phenomenon takes the attention away from those who are truly victimized. Besides, justice in a court of law and compensation for pain (which, by the way, does not take away pain), these victims need support to heal and restore their power, not be rendered helpless and diminished, leaving them more victimized. 

That is the problem with victimization. When victimhood becomes a way of life, you have no power and cannot heal.

Victim-like behaviors that rob you of power are:

•  Blaming others
•  Being morally right and making others wrong
•  Shirking responsibility for your life
•  Feeling entitled to sympathy because of your misfortunes
•  Righteous indignation for being wronged

In the Wheatley study, 17% of the victims of bullying became aggressors, as well. And in cases of those who were bullied and died by suicide, they actually turned the pain and anger on themselves. This is an irreversible loss, robbing the world of this person’s unique gift.

There are two parts to eradicating victimization - first in yourself and then in others.

As I said in Part 6 – use empathy, I would address in more depth, how empathy can help one heal, whereas, misguided sympathy can keep one stuck in a cycle of pain and blame.

This insight helped me reclaim my power after many years of living as a victim of my circumstances. At the time of my mother’s death, I didn’t consider my father’s late night drunken tirades, targeted toward my mother, as bullying. For sure it was abusive behavior, but bullying is how it all begins.

My mother was also tormented by how she viewed her life (a helpless victim) and commiserated often with others who were sympathetic to her pain. 

As I shared in the prologue of my adult book, she was a brilliant and vivacious woman, and equally troubled. She would stay in bed for days, depressed and despondent, but when it came to her bridge night (playing cards), she would doll up and be out the door in excitement.

This was extremely confusing. I resented that she was available to play with her friends, but not her family.  She was there for all my school activities, sometimes more than I wanted, but it was the day-to-day emotional availability and joy that was missing. When dad was sober he seemed like the stable one, so in my child's mind she must have done something to justify his rage. 

It took me years to sort out the chaos of our family in my mind. I often joked; maybe her love of the game is why I never learned to play bridge? I also didn’t realize at the time tis was an emotional outlet for her.

Regardless, atypical of anyone who loses a loved one to suicide, you always question why. What could you have done differently, what signs did you miss, and what really happened?  Cognitively, you know it is not your fault, but nonetheless you still internalize some blame or responsibility, until such time, you work through the grieving and healing process.

Therefore, the healing process can be prolonged for years because suicide is perplexing to those who haven’t had shared in this kind of loss, and don’t know how to help those who have. For those who have experienced such a loss, it is still perplexing because you did not know how to help the person you loved relieve their pain.

Sympathy versus Empathy

My dictionary* definition of sympathy is “an affinity, association, or relationship between persons or things, wherein whatever affects one similarly affects the other.” The synonyms are “attraction, pity.”

* Source: Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth edition, 2002.

Following my mother’s death, I learned rather quickly the topic of suicide generates a lot of fear, judgments, and misunderstanding. To avoid these things, I became very careful about with whom I shared my story and became masterful at survival leadership to hide my family secrets and mask my pain.

The same dictionary defines empathy as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another . . .” 

I was unware that suppressing my pain, delayed my grieving process for almost until 25 years. As part of my healing process, I was finally able to have empathy for both my parents and that innocent and confused child that lived deep inside me. Once I did, I was able to forgive us all and move toward creating the life I really wanted.

Question I am asked.

Once I unlocked my family secrets, it led to a question I am often ask, "What do I say to a friend or a colleague that has lost a loved suicide?” My response, “Express your sympathy empathetically.” 

I share what was helpful and what was not from my own experience. More often than not, I end up helping the person work through their anxiety about this topic. They truly do care about the person and just don’t know how to respond and relate to this kind of loss. Even buying a sympathy card can be tough for them. There is no other loss of a loved one I know, that perplexes the sympathizer in this way. Somehow, we intuitively know that loss is part of life, but not in this way.

Suicide, bullying, and leadership

Why do I make the link between suicide, bullying, and growing leadership; especially in children?

If you have been following the series and read the prologue from my adult book, I hope by now this is apparent. And if you read the actual book, you will know U.N.I.Q.,U.E.: Growing the Leader Within for adults is designed to give you hope and power to lead the life you love and make the difference you desire.

If not, you can see for yourself why it is important at the BullyingStatistics.org website.

Also, the actions that can be taken by peer bystanders and actions adults need to take that create a safe place for kids to report the bullying incidences, and be taken seriously, are really common sense.

What’s not so obvious?

Once those interventions take place, the most powerful action anyone can take is to help the victim and victimizer heal, so they can lead a productive and empowered life. For the victimizer, besides learning to be responsible for their behavior and being held to account, most likely they have some healing they need to do, as well.

Empathy helps you truly listen to another and feel one’s pain, and creates the space for healing to begin. When they are ready to accept that they are responsible for their life, and choose to heal their pain, they will begin to understand the true way to healing is by forgiving both the transgressor and themselves. In turn, this helps them restore their internal power and sense of worth, resulting in an end to a repetitious cycle of victimization.

Who knows? 

You may be just the one to open the door for the healing process to begin for another, but you cannot do so using pity, fear, or judgments.

The holidays are a perfect time to begin these practices with your family and I end the series on December 1st with some final thoughts and share my personal story of hope.

Please join me for the completion and ask yourself now. Which game of life do you want to play and win this holiday?