The conference is in its second day. Actress and author Mariette Hartley is at the podium, sharing her battle with alcohol, bipolar disorder, and her father’s suicide when she was only twenty-three. Though I thought by now I was immune to sad and tragic stories told at these conferences, I realize hers is all too familiar. Mariette says something about children who grow up in families like this spend their lives trying to make sense out of that which makes no sense. The floodgates to my soul open and I begin to cry.
After her speech, I go up and speak to her, barely able to get the words out, “We were the same age when one of our parents died by suicide,” I tell her.
She puts her arms around me and says, “I bet you’ve never heard your story told before.” I nod my head.
My attempt to make sense of my mother’s suicide ends that day. I begin to heal in unknown places and a new freedom to express my love, passion, and commitments in life begins to surface after 25 years.
As a child, I never knew what to expect when I came home from school. Would my mother have dinner on the table, be out playing cards with her friends, in bed with another bout of depression, or watching TV in her bathrobe, her mind off in some distant place? On her good days, my mother was a brilliant, creative, and vivacious woman. Her personality could light up any room. She never knew a stranger and everyone loved her. I knew she loved me but I also knew there was something deep inside of her that I never understood.
Dad seemed like the stable one, unless he’d had a few drinks. Then the chaos would begin. Family holidays and outings were ruined. Our parents would always apologize and promise to make it up to my brother and me – but they never could. The chaos in our family became our little secret.
As I approached adolescence, I realized Mom was beginning to live her life through me. I found that pleasing her was a way to keep her depression at bay, pulling us in an unhealthy circle of deception.
One day, after I’d graduated from college, I got a call from my older brother. “She’s probably not going to make it this time,” he told me. This was not our mother’s first suicide attempt, but it would be her last.
Before she died, I sat by her bedside and asked her, “Why?”
“To set your father free,” she said quietly. She didn’t explain, I didn’t ask, and then she was gone. That day I vowed to never lost sight of myself.
Although I wanted a life unlike my mother’s, I found myself repeating my family patterns: an unhappy marriage, arguments, drinking, and family secrets – a mirror to my childhood, except I had a career I loved, teaching youth leadership skills to promote safe and healthy behaviors. My job became the subsistence of my life, but my private life remained a secret.
After 20 years of living that secret life, I divorced my husband. I chose to start over and take personal responsibility for my happiness, rather than have it be dependent upon circumstances or other people. I eventually remarried and created the life I had always wanted with my children and new husband. I had accomplished what my mother never could.
I should have been joyous, but the funding for my youth program was in jeopardy and everyday I feared the elimination of the program and my job. I realized my identity had been wrapped up in my career, just like my mother’s identity had been wrapped up in me.
I refused to let the demise of my job ruin my new life, or my career. I continued in leadership development and started my own company. The work was the same, but my outlook on leadership shifted from surviving to thriving. I had become a fulfilled and happy woman with my career and home life now aligned. Finally, there wre no more secrets and no need to hide.
I have learned that creating a purpose in life ignites our spirit and imagination and lets us experience life as a fully expressed leader. Being responsible for that spirit gives us the freedom to thrive, creating our own legacy of unique leadership.
I’ve often wondered what life would’ve been like for my mother if she had discovered her leader spirit within. I’ll never know. I wrote this book in her memory, as a voice to empower extraordinary unstoppable leadership in life.
– Debra J. Slover, author
U.N.I.Q.U.E.: Growing the Leader Within and Mom’s Choice Award Winning U.N.I.Q.U.E. KIDS: Growing My Leadership Garden
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© Copyright 2006 by Debra J. Slover. All rights reserved. Leadership Garden is a registered trademark of Debra J. Slover.
